Its Just Not the Same

Well some of you may have read my blog entry "motivation".
This is basically a followup.

Well I saw him for the first time in weeks and
as I approached him I became very very very angry
angry to the point where I didn't want to share words with him
It's not within me to hold grudges
My heart doesn't allow me to
God didn't make me that way
but something
some built up anger
to where steam
seemed
to have escaped my nostrils
like a raging bull
So angry that I had to pause
stop
reevaluate myself
breath
rethink it over
then speak
I'm pretty sure my facial expressions said it all
but
I could not take my emotions out on him
because we are friends and
I'm sure he is oblivious
or may not be
to whats going
and my head begin to swell and
it felt like it was a giant red balloon
ready
and waiting for someone
someone with a sewing needle
to pop it
and
I deflated it
and I
smiled
probably the most phony smile
Id ever smile in my life
but surely afterwards
I became heated again
Like a kettle
so instead of taking out on him
I put all on something else that
would not make it all about him
to avoid regurgitating the wrong words
as to not offend him

Even though we were only just friends
and
we still are
I feel that I should have gotten a warning
something
should have registered in his head
to set a boundary
about
where we stood
as far as friendship is concerned
Now

Now I am in no rush
to see him
to speak to him
to call him

I wish it didn't have to be like this
and I know I cant continue to act this way
because my personality
requires me to be
the goofiest
friendliest
most trustworthy
kindest
best friend anyone could have

I know this will all blow over
but as of right now
Its just not the same



----------------
Now playing: Case - The Best Man I Can Be
via FoxyTunes

Better Late than Never huh

Well as I welcome 2010, I just reflect on all the events that has happened within this last decade and only hope this new one be a much better one.
The music sucks. The newer generation is confused and is in great peril if the next few years don't change and actually show them a more positive and inspirational lifestyle instead of Mr. Hit That Hoe.
Tis the season to reevaluate one self early to ensure one of who you are and thus make the necessary changes to improve everything one is lacking or falling short of.
I myself will be doing this also.


That is all

Motivation

As we all know the king is free. T.I. that is.
Well on the date of Sunday January 3rd I woke up to the song Motivation by Tip
What does that have to do with anything.
Let me go into further detail.
Over these last 3 months, I've had so many disappointments in my life.
I mean you name it I've went through it, but is two in particular that I want to talk about.
The lesser yet greater of the two.
Disappointment number 1
Studies and Grades
I have never been more depressed about anything in my life.
My grades are so freaking terrible it looks like I put forth no effort at all.
But right now, all I can do is that that a build from there. If I take the effort that I dedicated to my anatomy and some other classes then the results should end up much better than this last semester.
Disappointment number 2
So there is well was this amazing guy that I met.
I mean the nicest guy I've ever met. It was like he was sent to me.
Well at least that what I thought until a few days ago.
We are friends. That all you can ask for.
I thought everything was all good. We always talked and spent time with each other. I then soon assume that we were getting ready to make the next step and actually enter a relationship.
Over this last month, I started getting that 6th sense letting me know something was wrong. Now not lying to myself denying the fact that I liked him a lot, decided to analyze the situation. Of course I never said anything to him because I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we have because he is a great guy. So I prayed about the situation and God shed the light out for me. I then found out he was in a relationship but it is a new one. My heart dropped to the floor. I couldn't believe it. I mean I started questioning myself. Am I too fat? Its it because have no ass? Am I not pretty enough? He whole 9. As I moped around for a whole day, I then realized again that everything happens for a reason. It is what it is. We perhaps were supposed to only stay friends and that maybe I took the whole friendship and the things we did out of context. No sex I'm celibate. Me knowing how I am decided that the best way to get over it is to cut off all ties with him and do my own thing until I'm over it. But when I went to sleep and woke up. The song yes you already know motivation started playing over and over and over in my head and I couldn't make it stop. With the realization of what was happening, I had an epiphany. I will discuss that in another blog. I can no longer be upset about it at all. I think about it and smile. I smile because for the first time in my life I was happy and I actually do cherish all the fun times we shared and I know there will be more. After all we are friends. Everyone that enters your life serves a role in making you who you are.
Life is all about lessons. Take everything that hurts you and makes you feel worthless and unwanted and turn it into something positive. Trust in God for everything. Do not be afraid of asking him for answers. That being said I've added a new commandment in my very own book of commandments.

Thou Shall Not Assume.